To understand my dilemma, I need to go back in time, to a period in my life when a lot of things were going wrong, my family life (such as it was) was in tatters and I was struggling to maintain a positive outlook on anything at all. That was the year when, at aged 17, mum and I first fell out and I left home to go live with the family of a friend. That was also the year when, just a few weeks after leaving home, I had a bad fall at Boots the Chemist, where I worked as a Saturday Assistant and ended up flat on my back for a month as the Doctors tried to work out if I’d actually broken/fractured anything. That was also the year when people I thought of as my friends, turned their backs on me because, in my moment of crisis, it was my mum that I wanted and not my friend and her family (yes, honestly).
That was a year I wished I could turn back the clock and try again, a year I’d like to forget and it was also the year I received something in the post, the memory of which and the tremendous strain it placed upon the vulnerable young girl I was back then, still has the power to give me goose bumps and not in a good way.
That was the year I received a chain letter which promised me untold luck and riches if I passed it on to 6 worthy recipients of my choice and threatened dire consequences if I failed to do its’ bidding. Ordinarily, I would have thrown it into the bin without a second thought. But that year and at that time, I was in pieces. Immobilised in my bed, without means of communicating with my so called friends (remember mobile phones and email were the stuff of fiction back then), most of whom had apparently chosen not to support me during this time, I was at one of the lowest points in my life and so the advent of this letter, addressed to me personally, was devastating.
For the best part of a week, I worried and fretted about what to do. I had no ready access to writing materials even if I did decide to send out letters of my own and I knew that neither my mother or my sister would help me and rightly so. The sleepless nights I endured as I tossed the letter over in my head, the thoughts and concerns.
Then, two weeks after my accident and a week after the letter arrived, my best friend in the world at that time walked in. She’d left for a two week family holiday the day of my fall, had just arrived back and been told by another friend what had happened. She’d immediately dropped everything and rushed over to check that I was okay.
Half an hour later the letter was torn into a dozen pieces and was consigned to the bin, I had received the pep talk to end all pep talks and the worries and concerns of the previous week were forgotten. However, the memory of how I felt during that week still sits heavily upon my shoulders, as does recollection of the way it made me feel then AND the way I felt afterwards when realisation of how ridiculous the whole situation was, hit me.
Which brings me back to my current dilemma.
Over the last 6 months or so, I have been nominated three times for the Liebster Award and it is a wonderful thing to know that authors of blogs I read and enjoy, have thought my blog worthy of such a nomination. BUT and it is a big but, I know that to a lot of bloggers these awards have the feel of the old fashioned chain letter and to be honest, the first time I received a nomination, all the feelings I felt as a 17 year old getting the old fashioned, snail mail letter and the worry over what would happen if I didn’t/did send it, came flooding back. Also, I was very new to WP blogging at this time and did wonder if there was some hidden purpose behind the whole awards thing.
However, over the last few months, I’ve seen numerous versions of these awards proudly displayed across a multitude of blogs and I soon began to realise that these were a means for bloggers to show their appreciation for the time and effort other bloggers have put into their blogs. And yet, still I can’t bring myself to publish the post that has been sitting in my draft folder for the last two months which I wrote when I received my second nomination because I don’t trully know how the recipients of this nomination from me will feel.
Added to the mix is my very real wish not to offend in any way the three lovely, friendly and generous ladies who have nominated my blog, by appearing to ignore their nominations. So I thought that if i did this post explaining the situation, then you would see that I am both honoured and pleased that you felt I deserved a place on your nominations list but that my lack of response is not bad manners but is wholly to do with my own uncertainty over how other blogs I follow would perceive such a nomination.
To do or not to do, that is the question and as yet, I still don’t have an answer.